Dear CU, Please Don't Spam Me

Many mornings when I awake, I check my email.  Sometimes, I have something fun to read as my reward for waking up at whatever ungodly hour I am forced to be.  But now, everything has changed.  I am getting "Student Buff Bulletins."  I am getting "General Student Ememos," and even "Vital Student E-memos."  (I don't know how they decide when to hyphenate.)  In fact, as I was writing this, another Buff Bulletin arrived, right after the Buff Bulletin that prompted this post.  

Now, I realize that my college is not pushing resources like Viagra and penis pumps for that embarrassing problem I can't tell my doctor about.  Obviously, they do not have a degree I can buy online in a matter of minutes so I can get that promotion I so deserve.  They are not peddling a dating service, cheap software, or fake awards for drawings and contests I didn't enter. But they might as well be.  I need to be more diverse they tell me.  I am invited to a passover celebration they tell me.  I can vote for someone whom I do not know, who is running for an office I have never heard of.  I can take part in a survey, or GET PAID TO QUIT SMOKING.  And that, my cupcakes, is how I know they are spam.  

In case you also want to quit smoking (like MF does and is just too ashamed to say he's a quitter), I have included for you the contact information in the excerpt of the email I am showing you as proof. By the way, MF, that Zyban will help with the shame.

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DO YOU WANT TO STOP SMOKING?

We are looking for men and women who are chronic smokers (more than
15 cigarettes per day) and non-smokers age 18-30 interested in being
involved in a research project. This metabolism research study is
investigating how chronic smoking makes people more prone to
developing diabetes.

A smoking cessation program including Zyban will be offered at no cost.
You must not exercise more than 2-3 hours per week. Women volunteers
should NOT use oral contraceptives. Compensation will be provided.
Call 303-724-3919 for information.
Contact: Bryan "Don't worry, I'm a doctor" Bergman, PhD, 303-724-3919