06 April 2006

Dear CU, Please Don't Spam Me

Many mornings when I awake, I check my email.  Sometimes, I have something fun to read as my reward for waking up at whatever ungodly hour I am forced to be.  But now, everything has changed.  I am getting "Student Buff Bulletins."  I am getting "General Student Ememos," and even "Vital Student E-memos."  (I don't know how they decide when to hyphenate.)  In fact, as I was writing this, another Buff Bulletin arrived, right after the Buff Bulletin that prompted this post.  

Now, I realize that my college is not pushing resources like Viagra and penis pumps for that embarrassing problem I can't tell my doctor about.  Obviously, they do not have a degree I can buy online in a matter of minutes so I can get that promotion I so deserve.  They are not peddling a dating service, cheap software, or fake awards for drawings and contests I didn't enter. But they might as well be.  I need to be more diverse they tell me.  I am invited to a passover celebration they tell me.  I can vote for someone whom I do not know, who is running for an office I have never heard of.  I can take part in a survey, or GET PAID TO QUIT SMOKING.  And that, my cupcakes, is how I know they are spam.  

In case you also want to quit smoking (like MF does and is just too ashamed to say he's a quitter), I have included for you the contact information in the excerpt of the email I am showing you as proof. By the way, MF, that Zyban will help with the shame.


We are looking for men and women who are chronic smokers (more than
15 cigarettes per day) and non-smokers age 18-30 interested in being
involved in a research project. This metabolism research study is
investigating how chronic smoking makes people more prone to
developing diabetes.

A smoking cessation program including Zyban will be offered at no cost.
You must not exercise more than 2-3 hours per week. Women volunteers
should NOT use oral contraceptives. Compensation will be provided.
Call 303-724-3919 for information.
Contact: Bryan "Don't worry, I'm a doctor" Bergman, PhD, 303-724-3919


Post a Comment

<< Home

Ha ha. Bzzz. Goodbye.