Dear Department of Homeland Security,

I am writing again to give you another chance. You see, I was looking over my humble blogger "profile." I updated it a little, and realized that I would rather not define myself by things I hate. In order to grow as a person, I need to quit hating you. But here's the tricky part: it's in your hands. Not in theory, maybe, but most certainly in practice. You now have the power to be benevolent and charitable or send me spiraling into the toilet of despair. I have said I want to move to the U.K. This is true. However, I want to retire there, not spend my youth wading through the bog of socialized medicine and black pudding. And so I ask of you: quit being idiots. Abandon, if only for a moment, your utter stupidity. Turn your back on your lack of empathy. Just print out a freakin' green card, give it to the man, and shake his hand. That's all. It's easy. He's friendly. Everyone wins. And I swear, I won't ever marry another Brit. That is my gift to you.

Sincerely, Bug