An Open Letter to the Department of Homeland Security

Why, you ask, do I hate you? My reasons are threefold. For starters, you are idiots. My defense of this position is as follows: My (tax paying, non-public service eligible) husband needs a green card. To get said husband a green card, I must prove that I make 125% of the poverty level. As an unemployed student, it's quite difficult. So mom will sponsor him instead. Everything's under control. Fast forward 3 months: appointment with you who decide whether the two of us actually love each other. We could have gone in with matching black eyes and you wouldn't have noticed. What you are concerned with is the paperwork showing my income meeting the acceptable level, which of course was not included for obvious reasons: it doesn't exist. You knew that, yet you were confused. I explained that you said I couldn't sponsor him because I am unemployed. You said you had to turn me down first, then you could accept a different sponsor. WTF?

Second, you are heartless bastards. You made me call my ex husband every week for 2 months in order to get my old taxes to prove my income. Thanks, you really made me reconsider whether leaving an abusive alcoholic was such a good idea after all.

And finally, you are dumbfucks. Why you think a British citizen buying a house and following all your fucked up rules about paper trails for mortgages is some sort of drug dealing terrorist I will never know. The ones you need to worry about don't follow the rules, they swim murky rivers at night and fly planes into buildings.

So to sum it up, fuck you, I hate you, and no, I don't feel safer letting you eavesdrop whenever you feel like it.