Who Stole Halloween?

What the hell? This is a neighborhood of goddamn bi-levels!!! Actual people don't live in neighborhoods such as this (except me, of course, somehow), only adorable nuclear families. Have they all gone vegan and realized my offerings have cholesterol and trans fat? Do they think I am trying to poison their darling children with these evil artery cloggers? Did they all simultaneously decide that Louisville people feed their kids poison or razor blades or icky bargain candy??? I bought a damn lot of candy. I carved cool freakin' pumpkins. I put on my scary mask and my spooky cape and screwed in the eerie red light. I had 5 trick or treaters. Total. Now I have a ton of candy left. And dammit, I can't let it go to waste.