22 September 2006

I'm Declaring War on Being Cold

That's right, my little cupcakes. If you recall last winter, I hated just about everything. Winter just sucks. You fools who say you like skiing, sledding, building snowmen, or other wintry activities are either absolutely f'n nuts or liars. There are no other options. But I digress. The northern hemisphere, from the Tropic of Cancer north anyway, is my mortal enemy. My nemesis. I shall henceforth begin planning a move far, far away from the people I love. Sorry my darlings, but you're just not worth it.

I may have to finish school first. Or perhaps I will give up before then. I will take Violet with me (I like him) and become an islander. Or a Mexican. Or a Mediterranean. Whatever. I will take my Pants for walks on the beach. We will laugh as the Eemis gets pinched on the nose by a frightful crabbie. I will send pictures that make you so jealous that you consider moving as well. Then we can be together again.

Meanwhile, here in hell, I will take to keeping a fire burning for approximately six months of the year. I will methodically burn the bi-level if need be. I will keep the furnace turned up to 75. I will wear blankets over my head, I will do homework in bed, I will allow the dogs to sleep with me all winter--from now on, it's a two-dog night, every night.

So. To make this happen, I need two things: a convincing argument (Violet likes his job) and some money. That's where you come in, my cupcakes. I need your help. I need your advice. But mostly, I need your money. Because my argument will be much stronger if I have financial backing. I estimate I have 3 years tops to collect the funds before I go nuts. And a nutty bug would be a terrible thing to see. Like my fruit flies; they're kind of nutty. (I have decided they are my pets, since they seem very determined to stay, it's just easier on all of us. But if they drown in old coffee, I do not mourn.)

It's cold today.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, man, I totally hear you...and I only live in Jersey...

Listen, you gotta keep the Buffett tunes playin', and curl up with Hiaasen, James W. Hall and Randy Wayne White, and you have to get to the islands every chance you get...

Good luck. Winter sucks.

9/22/2006  
Blogger Hoban Family said...

Cry Baby!

9/22/2006  
Blogger Bug said...

Alright, look "hoban family." I will ban you from my blog if you keep being mean to me. (JH is excused from this ban, as JH does not give me a hard time about being cold.)

9/22/2006  
Blogger Hoban Family said...

They shine like silver butterflies
Drifting in the sun,
As though they fly on crystal wings
That winter cold has spun.
They catch and hold each soft sunbeam
And then, without a sound,
Turn into sparkling gossamer
Before they touch the ground

9/24/2006  
Blogger Bug said...

They sting like evil scorpions
Hiding in the gloom
And out of nowhere, creeping out,
They drive me to my tomb
They freeze and burn my flesh off
Then melt and make me wet
Which makes me colder than before
And three times as upset

9/24/2006  
Blogger Altered Egoist said...

I gotta say I'm with Bug on this one and I will do everything in my means possible to keep Bug, Nipsy, Violet and Myself warm. But don't get any funny ideas...

9/24/2006  
Blogger Bug said...

Hey! You said everything!

9/24/2006  
Blogger flintsteel said...

stay warm... eat pueblo green chilis....
http://www.digitalguru.biz/chillifest06/

9/24/2006  
Blogger Bug said...

See, AG? I told you people would start advertising their blogs if I took away comment verification!

9/24/2006  
Anonymous JH and AH, thanks to a little 11th grade Brit Lit said...

Relentless, like this blogger's ire,
A giant gaseous ball of fire,
93 Million miles, my ass,
I thank God the summer has passed

Colored leaves and footballs fly,
Soon Trick-Or-Treaters will stop by,
The Weather couldn't get much better,
If you're too cold get another sweater
(Or gain 50 lbs)

9/24/2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like winter :~)

I like the contrast between being very cold and being very warm moments later.

9/27/2006  
Blogger djoops said...

listen i live in florida and im tired of the humidity and heat....id love to be there and just drink tea by a fireplace all cuddled up in a warm blanket...eff florida... :)

9/28/2006  

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